A Hard Reality

One of the things I (Josh) often strive for is honesty in every part of my life. Yet, the irony is I am often dishonest with myself about the reality of pain, hurt, and uncertainty that exists in my life. But praise the Lord in His infinite wisdom He places us in the midst of a moments where the immediacy, reality, and weight hit us all at once and our only response is to allow the Spirit to reveal, move, convict, and work.

Let me set the stage for you:

Ring….ring….ring!

JOSH: Hello?

TAMI:  Guess what there was another referral today!

JOSH: Wahoooo (somewhat sarcastically but certainly a less than enthusiastic response)

TAMI:  Aren’t you so excited?

[Scene]

To be completely honest, I wish I could tell you that my answer was a resounding, “YES!” or even a “YES!” that said, “it’s difficult but I know God’s timing is perfect.” The reality is I wasn’t excited. I was ticked! In that particular moment I was tired, frustrated, and discouraged. I wanted the waiting to be over, I wanted the joy of knowing who my son was, I wanted my family to be able to begin to move forward into the next stage of our life. But I didn’t get any of that. So as the conversation with Tami drew to an end she left me with this parting thought, “I know it’s tough but God’s timing is perfect and he knows who our son is.”

Again, I wish I could say based on that truth, I immediately repented of my sinful attitude and worshiped God for his mighty works, but the reality is I was left with this sinking question, “Is His timing perfect, does He really know who our son is?”

BOOM! There was my moment!

No sooner had the thought crossed my mind and God began reminding me of his faithfulness, goodness, and kindness. My heart was pierced and I felt nearly crushed by the weight of my thoughts. And while I wrestled with many things in that car the one there was one that so perfectly encapsulates my earlier thoughts and it is this:

I am quick to praise God for his goodness, kindness, and mercy when things are going well for me or I get what I want, but when things do not go according to my plan or when I do not understand what is going on around me, is His goodness, kindness,and mercy any less real?

And what I have come to realize is that to “know” the answer to this question is different than “knowing” it in the midst tough, difficult, and even dark times. And despite my best efforts to try to believe or to even mimic the psalms and just, "be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10)." I am wholly incapable of doing on my own. All I can do is throw up my hands and declare, “help me in my unbelief.”

For those of you who have known me for some time you know that music, is something I use to communicate thoughts. Recently, I came across this song called "Give me Faith," by Elevation Worship and it is basically the prayer God has been teaching me over these past few weeks. If you have the time please take a listen (I have also included the lyrics below):

Verse 1: I need you to soften my heart to break me apart I need you to open my eyes to see you're shaping my life 

Pre-Chorus: All I am I surrender 

Chorus: Give me faith to trust what you say that you're good and your love is great I'm broken inside, I give you my life 

Verse 2: I need you to soften my heart to break me apart I need you to pierce through the dark and cleanse every part of me. 

Bridge: I may be weak but Your Spirit's strong in me My flesh may fail My God you never will

So while I certainly have a long way to go, I am beginning to realize more each day the reality, power and promise of 2 Timothy 1:7-10:

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord...but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages bean, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel...

Finding true Joy

Has it really only been THREE WEEKS since we received our "On Deck" e-mail?  I was laughing as I talked to Josh the other day that it already feels like its been three years.  Seriously though, God is continually teaching us something through each step of the process.  Josh and I had a chance to go out on a date night last Friday and we were talking about the adoption and that God is teaching us a lot about Himself through the process.  As we approach the two year mark of beginning the process, some might wonder if we still glad we made this decision.   I am so very very glad that God does not tell us everything we might go through and he doesn't lay out the entire plan in front of us.  We as humans are so weak that often times I think (sadly) we might run in the other direction if we knew everything we would go through in order to become more like our Savior.  So, as I thought a lot about that "are we still glad" decision this weekend, the answer is absolutely.  We truly and honestly believe that God has a little guy for us and we are willing to step out in faith no matter the cost.  I was reading my women's Bible study book this weekend and several sentences that the author wrote hit me like a TON of bricks.  Check this out:

            "The truth is, God is far more interested in our holiness than in our immediate, temporal
            happiness-He knows that apart from being holy, we can never truly be happy."

           "We say we want to be like Jesus, and then we resist the very instrument God chooses to
            fulfill that desire." 

           "True joy is not the absence of pain but the sanctifying, sustaining presence of the Lord    
             Jesus IN THE MIDST of the pain."

We continue to pray and know that God has us right where he wants us.  We are so very ready to see our son's face and we continue to pray that will happen very soon.  I love this crazy complicated mess called adoption.  After all, its this crazy complicated mess called adoption that allows US to be God's children.   OH GLORIOUS DAY!

"On Deck"

Most of you already know that last Friday we received our "on deck" e-mail for AWAA!  This means that we are in the top portion of our agency's wait list!  We could be receiving a referral very soon or (of course) it could still be awhile, especially since we are tied at first with three other families!. However, we were very encouraged by the e-mail!  It is ALWAYS good to receive encouraging news. We know that God is in control but I have to be honest and say that we are praying it will be SOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!
Now, you are probably wondering will happen once we get the call.  Once we get the call, we will receive an e-mail with a little information about him and his medical information.  We will then look over his information, pray for and about him, and then decide if we will accept the referral.  Once we do, we will sign the acceptance paperwork and get it sent in.  Next, we will wait again. We will wait to be assigned a court date, which is when our first trip to Ethiopia will take place.  The AVERAGE time between referral and court date is about 8 weeks.  We will travel to Ethiopia, meet our boy, and appear before the judge in court.  I will write more about what the court trip looks like later!  For now, PLEASE continue to pray that we will find out about our boy very very soon.  We would LOVE (I cannot emphasize that enough) to travel to Ethiopia this summer. I would not have to take any unpaid time off of work during the summer and we would have more babysitting options for Amaya. We are praying in faith!!!  God is awesome and can move mountains! We will be at 17 months DTE this coming Thursday.  We know that we have to be patient and that God's timing is perfect even if it doesn't make sense to us!!  We are calling all prayer warriors to join in prayer with us!

God is Faithful

This sure has been a month filled with many ups and downs!  If you have ever heard anything about international adoption this shouldn't come as much of a surprise.  However, somehow it always does.  Friday our agency sent an e-mail stating that the newest wait time was extended once again to 18-24 months.  Wow, that's the biggest jump in wait times yet!  We weren't quite expecting the large jump.  Our agency very kindly explained that the wait times have increased due to the many "clearances" that have been added to the stack of paperwork that makes a child "referral ready." These clearances that the child has to go through can take weeks, months, and even years.  Sigh.  Not exactly the e-mail we'd like to receive.  Of course I had a good cry, prayed, and thanked God that Josh was would be home from his business trip in a few short hours for a good hug!!  I was so thankful the e-mail hadn't come earlier in the week! 
So after a day breakfast freezer cooking (post coming soon), laundry, cleaning out cars, and all that fun stuff on Saturday, we headed to church's Saturday night service.  One of our elders was preaching and we were taking a short reprieve from our journey through the book of John to look at Genesis 17.  As we read it at the beginning of the service, I thought to myself, "I wonder why we are going over this passage?"  I think I even might have been a little grumpy about it.  Then the sermon began and I felt as if God was using this passage to speak right to me.  It was one of those times I was so grateful for God using people to speak the truth into our lives through his children!
So what was it all about exactly?

 #1: God is faithful even when we are impatient with his timing.  He is God almighty.
 #2: God is faithful to provide.  He provided for ways that Abraham and Sarah could not have even imagined.  Despite their attempts to try and do things their own way. 
#3: God is faithful to use our personal shortcomings for His glory. 
#4: God's faithfulness knows NO END.  
#5: God is faithful to those who doubt or wrestle with disbelief.  Abraham laughed when God told him that Sarah would have a child!  How could this be? God is faithful no matter what.
#6: God's faithfulness requires an immediate obedient response. 
#7: God is faithful to redeem his children.  AMEN!

WOW.  That was all I could do.  As I sat and listened to the band play Rock of Ages and everyone singing around me I thanked God for his faithfulness.  He is faithful.  I'm so thankful that He has a plan and I'm so thankful that His son was a part of that plan.  It is in times like these that I know God has so much more to teach me through this adoption journey.  For now, we continue to pray and know that God is faithful.  We will continue praising Him through it all. 

We'd like to ask you for continued prayer for all of the families waiting for their children.  We thank God for leading us down this path but we are also aware it comes with many ups and downs.  Its filled with days of total excitement and others of wondering when our son will be home. Pray for the officials in Ethiopia, pray for the people working so hard for us AWAA, pray for those precious children.  God is faithful.  

Sweet Sixteen

Today is completion of the sixteenth month of waiting since our paper work arrived in Ethiopia. And like any sweet sixteen celebration, we are filled with incredible anticipation of what new things await us. Each day of the passing weeks I am certain will only get more and more difficult as we wait for the call.

So as I sit in my house on a snowy Sunday morning watching Tami and "A" play the piano, I am can't help but reflect on God's goodness, faithfulness and provision.

Did we expect that it would take this long and our son still would not be home?

Certainly not! After all when we started this process the expected wait times were only 3-5 months. But even I write this I am reminded of the words penned by Isaiah (55:8-9):

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

And all I can think is "Hallelujah!" I mean seriously how often in my short sightedness and desire for the convenience blind me to things so much greater.

So as the continues my prayer is that we take the attitude of Job (42:3-6) who after incredible trial and tribulation said to the Lord:

“I know that you can do all things,
and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
and repent in dust and ashes.”

Praising God!!

Ok, so its been awhile!  It's been a tad busy around here.  Lots of grandparent visits (YAY!!!!) and of course just normal life stuff.  We were very very excited to hear that there was another boy referral last night!!  This means we are getting much closer towards seeing our son!  In fact, out of those on our Yahoo Group (the UNOFFICIAL list) we are tied at #1 with four other families.  We are still prepared for quite some wait (considering there was only one boy referral from November-January I am trying to be realistic).  HOWEVER, that is not to say that our God isn't the worker of many many miracles and He can move mountains and we do not want to diminish that fact!!  SO, we are continually praying that we will be able to meet our son very very very very very soon.  It's interesting how God works things.  You might have noticed from what I wrote earlier that our DTE date is also the same as FOUR, that's right, FOUR other families. The agency does not tell us who is first, second, etc.  Mostly because it depends on circumstance, family dynamics, and the fact that they pray over every single referral they give.  In a way I think it's better this way.  Knowing that we could be #5 instead of #1 means I won't (hopefully) be hovered over my phone or think that its going to happen any second.  Although, Josh and I tease that if we are fifth out of the five we'll eventually be the only ones at #1.  ANYWAYS, did I mention we are praying praying and praying that we will get to see our son soon.  Oh yea I think I wrote that already.  Thank you in advance for your many prayers!!!!  Also, our wonderful friend Dan and Abby reached the top 10 this week! WAHOOO.  We are still thinking that just maybe God is working it out so we get to travel to Ethiopia together.  Although, I'm not sure anyone close to me needs to see me after 24 solid hours of travel and little sleep.  HAHA, even at that moment my husband will want to run away.  Once again, keep those prayers coming.  Our God is mighty!

Thankful for some movement!

That's right! After two months there was an infant boy referral which means that we got to move up on the list!  Now, as I've mentioned before, there is no "official" list.  However, our yahoo group that includes most people from our agency keeps an "unofficial" list.  We are tied with five people at #2 on this list (all five of us have the same DTE date so there is no way of knowing our order).  Now, remember there could be people that aren't on the list. I always try to keep this in mind although it is VERY hard to do!!  We could still have quite a wait in front of us, but we are REJOICING in the referrals this week!  There was also a referral for a sibling set, which hasn't happened in forever either. PRAISE THE LORD!! He is bringing these children to their forever families!!!